Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
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[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever