*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
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[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
¯_(ツ)_/¯
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.