person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
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I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Bobby pin
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
the icebreaker
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home