Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
You Might Also Like
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on: