Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
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Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Social distancing in Australia:
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?