Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
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Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.