Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
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It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
This will teach them to underestimate me
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence