Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
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Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before