person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
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i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.