My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
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Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Monday Lisa
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”