god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
You Might Also Like
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?