Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
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Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
sliding into dms like
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.