[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
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Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to