Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
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[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Home #decor warning.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.