“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
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Diabetes was the God of sugar.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.