we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
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Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”