[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
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says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?