I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
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Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
lol
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.