Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
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Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!