PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
You Might Also Like
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.