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@abbycohenwl: Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
@flashember: Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
"Shhh let sleeping dogs lie."
@kellysdf: Apparently, if you Google "boss" and "chloroform" from your work computer, it sets off an alarm somewhere.
@lyric_intent: Peoples whose sliding closet doors never come off their tracks, what do you do with the rest of your dark magic?
@GUBLERNATION: accidentally stabbed a friend last night but a little later a different friend caught on fire and i put him out with my hand so i'm even
@baeblacksheep: Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm....