Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
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I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did