Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
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INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Life cycle of cat
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.