Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
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Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.