Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
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H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.