Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
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wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.