Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
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I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.