@KenJennings: PERSONALITY TEST: When you read an obit where someone passes away "surrounded by family," do you picture murder, or suicide?
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@ArfMeasures: PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son? ME: Yes [home] WIFE: Where's Tommy? ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
@tastefactory: DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew ME: [I don't hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
@david8hughes: [date] Me: you wanna see what desserts they have? Girl: how about we go home & I'll let you- Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?