[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
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I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Breaking news:
going to the ER y’all need anything
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?