*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
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Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Check your privilege
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.