*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
You Might Also Like
Merica.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!