PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
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So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go