PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
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Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Every house has this drawer
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Velcrow
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.