Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
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Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.