Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
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Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
🙂🐾
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what