pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
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Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
new wife guy just dropped
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.