Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
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[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Any refunds available?…
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.