PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
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If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.