Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
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sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!