[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
You Might Also Like
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out