[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
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In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Acronyms got me like WTF?
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Mistakes were made
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
inventing words: clothing
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.