[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
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My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
I’m about to risk it all
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*