[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
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Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
#polloftheday
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
How funny!
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
💯😂
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.