[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
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Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!