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Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH