My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
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“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
that colleague who touches your screen
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*