[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
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I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
i now pronounce you bounced.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?