Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
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any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
*pokes sex life with a stick
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Just grow your own
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore