Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
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How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Oh my God.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.