peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
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Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
nyc:
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
There is wisdom there.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.