PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
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I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa