“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
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Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics