“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
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Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Fluff me with a fork baby
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.